The News of Nothing's Call
by Allexandra Radcliffe
Summary: Demyx gets bored and decides to start a newspaper, to uncover all the random goingons of Organization XIII. Ch. 3: Demyx and Roxas are out of commission for a while... Please review!
1. First Issue

News of Nothing's Call – Chapter One – The First Issue

by Allexandra Radcliffe

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_Hihi, everyone! School has begun again, and as such, I've started writing again! Actually, I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, but didn't get around to it until Pre-Cal. _

_The idea came from Yoshimi Takahashi's fic, Weyard Weekly, so I hope you don't see this and decide to kill me, Yoshimi! It just sort of popped out…like, "What would it be like if Organization XIII had a newspaper? And what if Demyx and Xigbar were in charge of it?" And it kinda grew from there. _

_I think I might write a companion fic to this, about what's happening while the newspaper is being written. That'll probably be later this week or so. And it'll probably involve AkuRoku, AkuDemy, and possibly AkuDemyRoku…but maybe not. _

_Anyways, disclaimer time. I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It belongs to Squeenix, those awesome peoples who gave KH2 one of the most yaoi-ful endings I've ever seen. _

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**NEWS OF NOTHING'S CALL **

**BRINGING YOU THE EVENTS OF ORGANIZATION XIII**

Editor-in-Chief: Demyx

Editor and Photographer: Xigbar

About This Paper

Hi, everyone! It's me, the great Editor-in-Chief, Demyx! The reason this paper exists is because I got bored playing my sitar all day. (And Lexaeus threatened to break it.) So I asked Xigbar to help me, and here we are! We're going to uncover every random thing that happens, because there really is nothing to do around here.

- The Melodious Nocturne, Demyx

Underneath the Coat: A Look Into Number Eight's Underwear Drawer, _by Demyx_

Last night, everyone's favorite pyromancer was observed making a late-night refrigerator raid. While this in itself isn't unusual (see the article on mysterious food disappearances), what was strange was Axel's choice of clothing.

Forsaking the coat, pants, and boots we all wear, Axel was in the kitchen in his boxers. And not just any boxers – boxers patterned with winged hearts. As our exclusive, upside-down picture reveals, the Flurry of Dancing Flames wasn't too happy about being found out. When asked to comment, he told us, "If you tell anyone, I'll incinerate you!"

Needless to say, the staff of this paper may be laying low for a few days.

Our New Member! _by Xigbar_

We are happy to report that Organization XIII has its thirteenth member – the Key of Destiny, Roxas! Immediately after his arrival, we were all witness to Larxene's test…luckily, he survived. So now we are Organization XIII, which is good because it sounds a lot better than Organization XII.

Mysterious Food Disappearances Solved, _by Demyx_

In our discovery of Axel's choice of underwear, we also solved another mystery. For several weeks now, food including Vexen's Popsicles, Luxord's bacon, and Larxene's Gummi Worms have been gone in the morning. We found Axel at two in the morning, frying the last of the bacon and eating a hot dog that belonged to the Superior. Oddly enough, though this eating spree has gone on for two weeks, Axel hasn't gained a pound and is still as freakishly skinny as before.

Horoscopes _by Saïx, the Luna Diviner_

After a few hours of being forced to listen to Demyx playing 'Old MacDonald Had A Farm', Saïx agreed to do horoscopes for everyone. Here's what he and the stars have to say.

Xemnas: You will be reunited with your long lost pet, but another has claimed it for himself. Your plans may be on hold for now, but they'll be back on track soon. Tonight: Revenge.

Xigbar: Watch out, especially when it seems like nothing's there. Also look out for fire signs; they will not respond well to…anything. Tonight: Lay low.

Xaldin: Enjoy your peace while you can. There are insane things in your future. Tonight: Have fun.

Vexen: Revenge is sweet, but it's not worth the pain you'll receive. Just continue whatever experiment you're doing and you'll be fine. Tonight: Experimenting might be deadly. Proceed with caution.

Lexaeus: … Tonight: …

Zexion: If your evil scheming partner is distracted, don't go and scheme against him. One day, it'll all come back to haunt you… Tonight: Go to sleep. You'll need it.

Saïx: Hah! As if I'd tell you my horoscope.

Axel: Tonight is not good for seeking revenge. Try to make a new friend instead – it should work out well. Tonight: Take refuge with a friend and lock the door.

Demyx: Playing mournful songs won't help you against someone who really wants to hurt you. Tonight: Beware of fire.

Luxord: Now is an opportune time to gamble, place bets, or fight other angry Organization members. Taking sides in a conflict could be deadly. Tonight: Relax, do some stargazing.

Marluxia: Now is a good time to get people to help you in what you want. Find someone that shares the same interests as you. Tonight: Read a good story.

Larxene: Guard your secrets carefully. And watch out for the new guy – there are bad things in your future concerning him. Tonight: Be nice, lend Marluxia a book.

Roxas: Some people may try to attack you; others may just act weird. The weird ones want to be your friends, the others just want to kill or humiliate you. Tonight: Go to bed early.

_And that does it for the first chapter! If the end seemed a bit off, I'm sorry…it's hard writing after being squished during grappling training in taekwondo. Also, if I seem to be murdering Marluxia's character in later chapters…well, it took me a while to beat him in _Chain of Memories._ I'm still a little mad about that._

_Read and review, please! _

_- Allexandra_


	2. Second Issue

The News of Nothing's Call – Chapter Two – The Second Issue

by Allexandra Radcliffe

_Yay! Two updates in two days! I must be crazy. But school has begun anew…I hate concentrating in class. But forget I said that._

_Um…again, I apologize for Marluxia…You'll see what I mean. Marluxia fans, please don't murder me._

_As for reviews…thank you, YunSor! I love you… gives you some pancakes It might have taken me about five times. I think after the fourth, I just went to bed, but then I was able to beat him when I woke up. _

_Well, on to the fic! Yay! Oh, but first…I don't own KH, Bokura no Oukoku, Gravitation, or Harry Potter doujinshi. You'll see what I mean._

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**THE NEWS OF NOTHING'S CALL**

**BRINGING YOU THE STRANGE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO US**

Editor-in-Chief: Demyx

Editor and Photographer: Xigbar

Field Investigator: Roxas

A New Staff Member!

After a little convincing (that consisted mainly of throwing a copy of the paper on him as he slept), Roxas has agreed to join us here at The News of Nothing's Call! His aid was vital in investigating our top story for this issue, and if he sustains any serious injuries as a result, it was all for the sake of finding out more about this strange Organization of ours.

- The Melodious Nocturne, Demyx

Larxene and Marluxia: Yaoi Fans? _by Roxas and Demyx_

Yesterday, while Larxene, Marluxia, Axel, Zexion, Vexen, and Lexaeus were at Castle Oblivion, an expedition, led by Roxas, went where no Nobody has gone before – the Savage Nymph's room! After a slightly scary discovery, we went to the Graceful Assassin's room and made an even scarier discovery.

As you can see from our slightly messed-up picture (Xigbar refused to enter Larxene's room, so Roxas took the picture), the floor of Larxene's room was covered with yaoi manga, including Bokura no Oukoku, Gravitation, and several Harry Potter doujinshi. An unfinished drawing on the desk depicted the Superior and Saïx making out, with the odd words, "Xemnas Mansex! Hahahahaha!" on the side.

After a hasty retreat, we then ventured next door into Marluxia's room, only to find more yaoi manga, several yaoi anime, and innumerable fanfics on his computer. At that point, our Field Reporter went to his room and has not yet emerged. Hopefully, everyone concerned will come out of this alive. Xigbar would also like to add that he had absolutely nothing to do with this (coward!)

Special Editorial! The New Guy's Opinion of Our Organization_, by Roxas and Demyx_

I think this is pointless, but Demyx is forcing me to do this, so…fine. Organization XIII is very disorganized and full of crazy people who have either a) tried to kill me, b) tried to recruit me for something, or c) done weird things that don't make any sense.

Interview Time!

Demyx: So, Roxas…who in the Organization do you think you'll be friends with?

Roxas: If I could have friends, which involves emotions, probably Xigbar. Or Axel, maybe.

Demyx: What about me?

Roxas: Well, maybe.

Demyx: Good enough. What do you think of the Superior?

Roxas: He's very…superior.

Demyx: You're not very good at this being interviewed thing…

Letters From the Organization

Demyx,

If you're so bored, I can find you a few assignments. How about clearing the entire city of Heartless? Or helping Vexen in his lab? Unless this newspaper turns out to not be completely useless, you'll be doing both.

- The Superior, Xemnas

Dear Xemnas,

This newspaper isn't useless! We uncovered Larxene and Marluxia's yaoi obsession! We found out who stole your hot dogs! You can't call that useless! Please don't make me work with Vexen…he said something about a gender-changing potion the last time I saw him.

Dear Demyx,

You're very lucky I can't burn you too badly. I told you not to show anyone that picture! But Larxene'll probably do the job when she finds out what you've done. It's a little thing called revenge – got it memorized?

- Axel

Axel,

You ate all my jawbreakers! Besides, your underwear is weird.

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_Hehe…told you there would be weird Marluxia-ness. I'm not saying he's gay (which is weird, coming from a yaoi fan), because I actually have a guy friend who keeps pestering me about when I'm going to let him borrow Gravitation Vol. 6. And I know he's straight, because I went out with him. But Marly does scare me a little. Pink scythe…I hate pink._

_Anyway, can anyone figure out where I got the idea for that gender-changing potion? Should be a little obvious for some yaoi fans. Anyways, read and review, please! _


	3. Third Issue

The News of Nothing's Call – Third Issue 

by Allexandra Radcliffe

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_Hey, everyone! It's hot over here, and my school is freezing, and I got sat on when riding the bus today, and…oh, forget it. I'm just complaining to be complaining. But it's fun…_

_Anyway, I started (and nearly finished) writing the first chapter of that companion fic to this one that I mentioned. It's starting a little slow, but I like it. Of course, if you don't like yaoi, don't read it. Just warning you beforehand._

_Also, thanks to everyone (all six of you) who have reviewed! This weekend was kinda crappy, but you guys made me happy! (No rhyme intended.) If you read this, and you like it, please review! I can't tell if you like it or if you think I'm just a crazy girl who needs to stop writing in class and pay attention…_

_Well, enough of my whining. As for disclaimer…I don't own KH2 or the characters. Cause if I did, well…_

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**THE NEWS OF NOTHING'S CALL **

**MAKING YOU LAUGH EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE A HEART**

Editor-in-Chief: Demyx

Editor and Photographer: Xigbar

Field Reporter: Roxas

Special Correspondent: Axel

Agony Aunt: Larxene

More Coverage of Organization News

Thankfully, after several failed attempts to incinerate us, Axel has given up trying to kill us and agreed to keep us posted on events at Castle Oblivion. This announcement was met with surprise (from the Editor-in-Chief and Photographer) and complete apathy (from Roxas, who else?) However, we are glad that we'll know more about that really weird castle, and that we don't have to worry about dying in a blaze of hellfire anymore. Of course, that leaves Larxene…

- The Melodious Nocturne, Demyx

Revenge of the Savage Nymph_, by Xigbar_

Yesterday afternoon, we all heard the screams and pleas for mercy from the idiot Editor-in-Chief and the new brat. The reason, obviously, was because the idiots found out about Larxene and Marluxia's yaoi obsession and wrote about it in the paper. (They might call me a coward, but at least I wasn't being tortured by Larxene.) At the moment, both are in Demyx's room, being mothered by Axel. We'd be laughing, except that the redhead bastard is the best cook in the Organization, and we all want some food…

Redecorating Castle Oblivion_, by Axel_

For some reason, Xemnas gave control of Castle Oblivion to Marluxia. (Someone whose name I won't mention brought p the Xemnas-Mansex thing…) So yesterday, five of us were over there catering to the Graceful Assassin's every whim. And those whims included redecorating the castle with white marble flowers.

The place was already bad enough with all the white and the memory rooms, but now it's even worse! Luckily, some of the statues break easily, so Lexaeus and I had some fun before Marluxia caught us.

Well, Demyx has just woken up and is bugging me for food, so…this has been a special report by your special correspondent, Axel. Got it memorized?

Letters for Larxene

Dear Larxene,

Someone in the Organization implied that I like someone else in the Organization. Apparently, the other person believes this is true and has begun chasing me around. What should I do?

- Renivi Danul

Dear Renivi Danul,

I know that's you, Saïx, and you know you and Mansex are made for each other! So go on and snog him. And when you do, tell me before so I can come take some pictures!

Letters From the Organization

Seeing as Demyx is currently incapacitated, I, the Flurry of Dancing Flames, will be answering the letters today!

Dear Demyx,

If you insist on playing every night, at least finish the song! You've been playing the same little bit over and over for the past month, and it's gotten old. At least play something softer.

- Zexion

Dear Zexion,

Demyx would like me to tell you that if you don't want to hear him, buy some earplugs! And you need to stop laughing evilly in the middle of the night, anyway.

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_Okay, I know that was random and very short…sorry. Saïx's alibi should be easy to figure out, since it took me about three seconds to think of. Hopefully, I'll post the first chapter of the other thing sometime later today or tomorrow, so…review, people! I'll be watching…MRAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_…whew, that was fun._


	4. Fourth Issue

The News of Nothing's Call – Fourth Issue

by Allexandra Radcliffe

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_Finally, I got the inspiration for this! I had like three beginnings for it, and scrapped all of them (but one is going to be the beginning of the chapter after next. _

_Anyways, thanks, everyone who reviewed! You can have some of my authentic Southern sweet iced tea! (Because any other kind is just crazy. Ruining tea with all these extra flavors. Whatever happened to tea and sugar?) So here's the fourth issue!_

_Oh, wait, disclaimer. I hate these things. I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, or weird mispronunciations of Linkin Park. _

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**The News of Nothing's Call**

**If We're This Weird Now, What Were We Like As Somebodies?**

Editor-in-Chief: Demyx

Editor and Photographer: Xigbar

Field Investigator: Roxas

Special Correspondent: Axel

And I Thought I Was Crazy...

After recovering from Larxene's attempts to kill us, Roxas and I began our in-depth investigation of all your little secrets that you never wanted anyone to know. It's not like you're actually able to get mad at us, anyway...

The Melodious Nocturne, Demyx

Strange Things Coming From Vexen's Lab, _by Roxas_

Last night, when I was going to Demyx's room, there was a lot of evil laughter coming from the Chilly Academic's room. I ignored it because everyone does that on a daily basis, but Axel said he said Vexen and Zexion laughing together when he came to Demyx's room, which makes no sense. More on this when I can be bothered to care.

Xaldin Can Dance? _by Demyx_

The other day, Xaldin came and asked to borrow some CDs of mine. So I lent him some of my old ones. Then I went to get one back because I forgot I needed it, and found him dancing. After I avoided his attempts to kill me, we came to an understanding and danced for a while. Xigbar joined us, too!

The Superior came in just as Xaldin was singing along with the song. We thought he was going to give us extra missions or something, but he just walked out again with a strange smile on his face. Whatever he's planning, let's hope it's not too catastrophic...

Copycats: Us or Them? _by Roxas_

Earlier today, I was sent to a world called Planet (how original) to retrieve something for the Superior. When I was there, I was challenged by a trio looking for their mother. (That was weird because they were all about Xigbar's age.) They mistook me for one of them because they were wearing black leather coats like ours.

After a fight in a place with strange, glowy trees, they ran off to some huge city. Since they were after what I was, I followed. They got in a fight with two guys, one of whom looked like Axel. While they were distracted, I stole the thing the Superior wanted from some guy in a wheelchair and left.

So did they steal the coats from us, or us from them? And is Xemnas related to them or something? When I left his office, he was laughing weirdly and calling the box Mother...

The Last Thing We Need Around Here Are Emos,_ by Axel_

Somehow, even though we don't have hearts, a lot of people around here have been acting very emo lately. At Castle Oblivion, Larxene turned the White Rooms on the twelfth floor into a huge, rainy city and wandered around in it for a few hours. Then she made me dry her off. Demyx had his moment last night, and even Roxas is beginning to react more. (Not that I'm complaining...)

Next thing you know, we'll have a karaoke night with everyone singing songs by that band Demyx likes. Linking Park? Lick My Park? Whatever.

Letters From the Organization

Axel, Roxas, and Demyx,

The next time you three get together at night, don't forget to tell Marly, Naminė, and me! We only want some pictures...

Dear Larxene,

Please don't tell me Naminė's a yaoi fan, too...

To everyone in the Organization,

I have decided to have a karaoke and dance contest tomorrow night. The winner will be exempt from all chores and missions for a week. Since Demyx's room is the nicest, we'll be in there. Also, trying to get out of this is not an option.

The Superior

Dear Xemnas,

Can you at least tell Vexen to not mess with my fish? Last time, he took Aurora and Jasmine for some experiment and I haven't seen them since.

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_Well, that's it for this issue. Now to check the little notes I scribbled on the edges of the paper..._

_No idea why Xemnas wanted Jenova's head...it was just a random thing. But he does have the silver hair for Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz, and Reno looks like Axel, and I think Denzel looks like a younger version of Roxas, but maybe that's just me. _

_The emo thing came from a conversation my friend and I were having. She says her boyfriend thinks she's emo, and then a friend of mine said my hair on Gaia is emo, and I love Linkin Park, which everyone says is emo. So it kinda stuck and came out this way. _

_The thing about Roxas and Axel being in Demyx's room will be in chapter four of Behind the News._

_Oh, and the Xaldin dancing thing came from this comic I saw on deviantART: XR – The Dance Edition, by Psycrowe. More on all of this in the next issue. Review, please! I'll give you some more tea..._

_- Allexandra_


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